Max Payne: Simile Overload
by AAAwrestlestreetAAA
Summary: Another exciting adventure from the world of Max Payne. What dangers will he face in this new location and what will he liken it to?
1. A Quiet Relief

Max Payne: Simile Overload  
  
The Male sign on the door glared at me like a celestial joker laughing to himself in secret as I walked into a pit of man eating cats.  
  
I kicked open the door and walked in. A row of dirty white washbasins grinned at me like the teeth of a crocodile, looking at me like I was about to be its next meal.  
  
I walked down the row of dark toilet cubicles. Each door said 'Engaged'. It was like being at a party full of ugly but enchanting women that all turned out to be inaccessible. I considered kicking down the doors and killing the occupants with my sawn off shotgun. No, I was desperate but not that desperate.  
  
I would just have to wait  
  
Eventually, I heard a click as one of the signs on a cubicle door turned from engaged to vacant. The door opened slowly and I readied myself for a fight like a pair of tight trousers readies itself for a fight with its overweight owner.  
  
I held my breath then let out a sigh of relief as an elderly gentleman with a face like a bowl of rancid rice pudding stepped out of the toilet. He was no threat to me, like a lampshade which happened to not be a threat to me also.  
  
I pushed past him like a person pushing past two elephants on a tube train. I walked into the cubicle he had recently exited and I looked into the toilet bowl like a child peering at a corpse in a coffin, my eyes full of wonder and horror.  
  
The old man had forgot to flush and now a beige floater was bobbing on the surface like the bloated corpse of a dead dog.  
  
I tried not to breathe through my nose as I sat down on the grubby toilet like an Elvis fan horse pretending to be dead.  
  
I let out a sigh of relief as the meal I had 8 hours ago finally passed through my system, the undigested peanuts scratched at my poo-bum like a long nailed member or the Village People.  
  
I wiped away the brown evidence, blotting it out in the flushing water like I had blotted out so many of my enemies in the past. That would teach it.  
  
I walked away from the roaring cubicle, leaving a stench like a barrel of old milk. Like a free man just released from jail, I strolled out of the men's toilets. I had not had the opportunity for a gunfight yet, I would have to wait and see what the rest of the day had in store for me.  
  
I looked across the sinister black tarmac car par towards the ominous supermarket. It seemed to be calling me like a farmer calling his lambs to the slaughter. "Maxxxxxxx.... MAXXXX.. Max.." It called me to my certain doom. The shopping list in my front pocket was like a death warrant with my name on it instead of 'fresh bread'.  
  
This was my next destination, I could only pray that the lives of the innocent civilians be saved. I had a feeling that my prayers would not be heard. 


	2. The Supermarket

I crossed the car park like a man crossing a line that was never meant to be crossed. The line between safety and danger.

The door to the supermarket slid open automatically like an automatic shotgun reloading to claim another victim. The sign above the door said Tesco but it may as well have said 'HELL'.

As I entered I was greeted by the scent of fresh bread like the smell of petroleum greets the pyromaniac. A sign told me 'Buy One Get One Free'- the trap had been set and I was not about to fall for it.

I put just one loaf into my basket. They weren't going to get me that easily.

I ticked the first item off my list like an assassin ticking his victims name off the death warrant.

My mission was not over, not by a long shot. I still had to get milk and a can of baked beans.

And old woman rushed past me with a heavily laden trolley like a lion rushes past the gazelle before making the kill.

My hand pushed inside my jacket and touched the handle of my gun lightly like a blind man touching his guide dog for reassurance. If I had to use this, it was always there.

The old woman noted me staring at her; she knew something like a cow seems to know something, although they never tell you what it is.

She hurried away like a criminal running from the scene of a crime. I tailed her at a safe distance as she disappeared down the frozen meat aisle.

I stopped at the end of the aisle, looking from left to right like the Green Cross Code Man had tried to brainwash me into doing on so many occasions.

There was no sign of the old woman she had eluded me like a cat eluding the field of vision of the mouse until it was ready to pounce.

I looked ahead of me; I was in the dairy produce section. Rows of milk and cheese stared back at me on the shelves, mocking me like only milk and cheese can.

How did she know?

Whoever this woman worked for must have somehow gained knowledge of what was on my shopping list. I suddenly realised that I was in serious danger like a pig realising that it has arrived at the slaughterhouse.

It was time to think fast like Steven Hawking at an anti-wheelchair convention.

Getting milk now would be too obvious. That's what they wanted me to do.

I picked up a carton of grapefruit juice.

Sure, my cereal would taste funny with this poured over it but at least I wasn't playing into their hands.

It was time to get out. I knew this like a frog knows its time to get out of the pond once its tadpole children start to eat their own parents.

There was no time for beans.

I cautiously crept to the checkout, always on the lookout like the sole survivor of the holocaust in search of any signs of civilisation.

My two items scrolled along the conveyor belt like ducks ready for the shoot. The cashier ran them across the barcode scanner. It beeped as if my shopping were an audible expletive on daytime television.

"You do know the bread is buy-one-get-one-free don't you?" said the checkout girl with that innocent smile that alligators have just before they eat you.

"I WON'T FALL FOR YOUR LIES!" I screamed and threw a ten dollar bill in her face before running out with my items as she fell back stunned for a moment like a terrorist blinded by a flash bomb.

I ran into a nearby alleyway and sank to the floor panting and sobbing like a condemned man making the last walk towards the electric chair.

I cursed my actions. I had let my nerves get to me and I had broken.

I had blown the whole operation.

It was time to go home it wouldn't be long before they released the hounds.

It looks like I'll be having toast for dinner.


End file.
